I'm sorry that I give everyone the wrong idea.

"I love you even though you give me nothing"

 
Not much going on...I was awakened by my phone at 12:30, when Lexi was calling to ask me why I was asleep so late. Got ready, went to work, met new shift-lead guy (Aaron, from Michigan, nice, but a little flirty), got off at 8:00. Being home has become mostly an inconvenience, mostly because now my mom has gone back to work, and has gotten back into the habit of treating her family like coworkers-- not fun. Spent most of the evening so far holed up in my room, reading The Devil Wears Prada, lent to me by Patrick's mom. It's one of those light, beach-blanket books, so I'm pretty sure I'll be done with it by tomorrow or Wednesday (gotta find something good to read while I convalesce after my wisdom-tooth thing, so perhaps I'll start one of the two Virginia Woolf books I got at Costco awhile ago...). I feel really laconic as far as the public journal-thing goes right now, so that probably means I'm due for another hand-written diary-fest. Fun for me, but not so much for my weak, weak hands.

 
Alright everyone, this is how desperate I am to blog...xanga, for whatever reason, is down, and here I am, doin' it old-school-style. Yes, it's been over five months since I last made an entry in my sad little blogspot place, and I kind of missed it. It's fun to read all the old stuff, especially with what's gone on in the time between the last entry and this.

I guess the biggest thing to talk about is the rest of the school year, which, looking back on it, was pretty great. I became an official sorority girl, continued to work unglamorously at the Big Green, had zillions of "aww" moments with Patrick (nobody likes a gushy girl, so I'll try not to), and finally, sadly, said goodbye to everyone and -thing that had been my life for almost a year. College was the best thing to ever happen to me, and now that I've been home for a good 2/3 of the summer already, I really, really miss it. Twin beds, cohabitation, and all, I loved living at school. Even though I know how different next year is going to be, I think I might be even more excited about starting out the year, because I know how good it'll be.

And summer...I'm glad it's almost over. I mean, being at home has been mostly weird, what with having people concerned about when I'm coming home, telling me to clean my room, and reminding me how much quieter it was when I was away at school. Way to roll out the Welcome Wagon, family! I haven't been hanging out with the people that I didn't see all year because we'd parted ways at the end of high school, and it sounds kind of mean, but I don't really miss anyone. Or maybe it's that hanging out with them is generally colored by my feelings about high school, which was mostly a lot more trying than it really should have been. Ok, I miss Natasha, Candice, Leah, Dan, and the whole gang and whatnot, but nobody's calling me, and I hate being the friend who has to arrange everything. If you want to hang out, call me. That's just it.

I'm excited, though, because I'm going to Disneyland with Michelle and Candice and Patrick later this month, and it's going to be nice to get away from home and be with the people I love. Yeah, I said it. Well, first I responded with an ill-timed "Oh, lord," but eventually I echoed the sentiments. And I mean it, and it feels so much like he does, that it's almost scary. But only almost.

 
I had the BEST day today! Woke up at about 10:30, took a leisurely shower, meandered down to Westwood to cash my check from grandma, and caught the Big Blue Bus to Santa Monica for a big day of shopping. Made my way to Bebe (straight to the clearance racks, despite my being flush with cash) and bought a little black hooded shirt-thing, with sequins on the front--cute! And totally got me ready to do more shopping (why is it that a success in the first store I enter makes me so ready to do infinitely more shopping?)...Proceeded into Abercrombie (two shirts, at $9.90 each...a steal, especially for Abercrombie!), J. Crew (a bag, perfect for the beach, and a scarf with multiple possible uses), Old Navy (three shirts, all of which I can wear to work, and all of which I wouldn't mind wearing outside of work...once all the coffee nastiness has been dryer-sheet-ed away), Anthropologie (Rosebud Lip Salve...yummy, and sunglasses, which were about half the price I thought they'd be...always a plus), and Express (yet another shirt, but it was 75% off! How could I resist?). So, after a day full of spending (stress relief, from what little stress there is in my life right now), I hopped the bus back to Westwood and walked back up to the room.

Once back, I decided that I had to have a decent place to put all my new acquisitions, so I began to clean. And not "put away all the shit that's cluttering my desk" clean-- serious, Mom-esque cleaning. I rearranged most of the stuff under my bed, refused to throw away old magazines (that's right Andy, I'm a keeper!), and tried on this dress I bought junior year in SF and haven't worn once...maybe I can make a pillow out of it or something. The whole cleaning thing made me even happier...I'm SO turning into my mother, with the whole obsessive cleaning thing...but I guess after a day of selfish spending, it was nice to do something a little more arduous than trying on sweaters.

Is it bad that any of the things that I can envision ruining this high seem so far-fetched right now? I can't see anything reasonably falling out of the sky and knocking me unconscious, and that makes me a little worried. Never one to take anything at face value, am I? Nope, never...

 
Dad and Ryan spent the weekend (well, Friday and Saturday nights) here, and we hung out and did stuff…

Friday night was for going to see “Bowling For Columbine” at Ackerman, and I just have to say that EVERYONE should go see it, especially if they have any sort of feelings at all regarding issues like gun control and the like—and if you don’t have these feelings, it helps if you’re a…human? Whatever. It appeals to everyone, or should. I can’t honestly say that I can lend any sort of a sympathetic ear to someone who says they’re “just protecting their rights to bear arms,” just because the interpretation applied to that amendment is so antiquated and obsolete, especially when you think about things that have happened because of gun violence. When did you ever hear on the news, “Thank God that family had a huge shotgun, because the 8-year-old child was successfully able to fend off the intruders. Wow, what a great idea, having kids and guns in the same house! I’m so glad they chose to exercise their right to bear arms!” Never. That’s right, never, jackasses. There’s something in the United States that is drastically different from any other country (and I love our country just as much as anyone else), that allows all this stuff to happen, and it has to change. Whatever it is, it can’t stay the same, with six-year-old kids bringing guns to school and shooting their classmates.

Saturday began with anxiety, as I woke up at 7:25 and realized that I was supposed to have woken up at 6:30, and been at Starbucks at 7:15. “I’m so fired. This sucks, I’m going to get fired from STARBUCKS, of all places…” The guy, Daniel, who was driving the other new recruits (sorry, PARTNERS…bleah) to the anonymous office building in Culver City for the workshop called me and arranged to pick me up, so I wasn’t entirely screwed. The workshop was pretty much what I imagine it would be like to join a cult, with all the free pastries and promotional video…whatever, at least I’ll be getting a check soon. Came back, exhausted, took a shower, and went and spent a lazy afternoon with Dad and Ryan.

Had dinner with Dad, Ryan, Michelle, Candice, Andy, and Brian at BJs…it was weird to have the intersection of the “family” and “school” spheres, but I think it’s what I want to do. It’s too hard having more than one life…which sounds dramatic, but is mostly true.

This is where I apologize, and I don’t do it very often. Ryan spent the night on Saturday, and I was gone for most of the night, because I went to a crew party with Patrick (more on this after my apology). When I was out drinking and partying, he was sitting in the room with Michelle and Andy and Brian, playing bad computer games and Guillotine and enduring awkward silences, because they were pretty much babysitting him. What I should have done was either not have had him spend the night or not have gone to the party or even taken him to the party, but I didn’t do any of those things. And you know how I feel about regret. But to anyone who perceived my abandonment of my brother as, well, abandonment, I’m sorry…and I’m sorry to Ryan, too. End of apology. Let’s move on.

So I went to the crew/apartment party with Patrick, knowing that I would know just about only him and Taylor, who was showing up later with some people he knew from crew. It was really fun, although the alcohol was cheap and there were quite a few…colorful…girls in attendance. I feel a salute is in order for Patrick, who suggested dancing (bold move for a big white guy…and he had the dance solos to back it up!), and who made sure I didn’t fall down from dizzy drunkenness. Awkward moment of the night: Dave, supposedly drunker than he apparently was, insinuating himself into our cozy conversation. “Good luck, man.” Good luck with what? That’s gross, and I don’t care how drunk you are, that’s just inappropriate. And as for the drunken belligerence that could have ensued…disgusting. Don’t use drinking as an excuse for that kind of behavior, don’t do anything drunk that you wouldn’t do sober, or anything you’ll regret when you come around.

Aside from the gross encounter with Dave, the night was a rousing success. Lesson learned: don’t mix rum and cranberry. If it smells bad, it’ll taste worse. Stick to vodka and cranberry. Overall, a good night—I’m glad I feel so comfortable with Patrick, and that there’s nothing (yet…haha) that drives me insane about him. A good sign, if ever there was one.

 
consider my stomach FLIPPED

 
Ok, so since the dumb old Media Lab didn't have Le trou, I'm filling the time allotted on my schedule (written in Astro, ask me if you care...) with randomness. Well, guided randomness, maybe. I wrote a crappy poem while evading my WS reading in the sculpture garden today, so proceed at your own risk (note: it's rough, off the top of my head, and probably quite terrible. Be that as it may...):
Poem for a Sunny Day
"...the luckiest girl in the world."
"Luck has nothing to do with it."
Hesitate to leave it to the Divine
But on such a day
It's either that or Science
And I'm not much for reason.

 
My pillow smells like boy!
Goodnight...

 
Aww, fun weekend with all the women in my immediate-ish family...Mom, Heather, and Grandma (Corey, bad sport that he is, was holed up sick in his room all weekend...boo). Nothing terribly notable as far as activities went, but we DID go to see the musical that Taylor was in, "The Wild Party." I'm fairly sure Taylor doesn't read this, so if I gush, he won't get all big-headed and unbearable-- it was really, truly, amazing. There's something in me that wishes I had the balls and the talent to be a part of something so amazing, and a huge part of me is amazed that I know people that are capable of such beauty. I guess that's part of the whole "being a human" thing, creating and appreciating beauty, but I'm in such a good mood that I'm noticing it a lot more than usual.

And why not be in a good mood? I spent a bunch of time with Mom, who regards me as a sort of sourpuss, unwilling to have any sort of fun or get any enjoyment from life-- not so! I may not have enjoyed taking the obligatory picture in front of the Bruin in Ackerman Plaza, but I guess I should be glad that it was a holiday, that there weren't a million people standing around to mock my family's silliness. There are things about me that don't come through as much as I'd like them to, but I think sometimes that keeps me safe, safer than I'd be if I walked around so...exposed, all the time. (Can you IMAGINE what it'd be like if I were a little more "affected" by everything? Unbearable!) I guess commenting on my perceptions and understandings would be a little redundant, so I'll leave it at that. I'm smarter than I look, and definitely smarter than I act. :)

P.S. I love backhanded references just as much as the next girl, but that's a little tacky. Don't do it for MY benefit...